When I look in the mirror…I think I’m seeing someone else.
Not exactly, I suppose. It looks like me. I can see when my hair is messed up and I can clearly see the mirror image of the clothes I’m wearing. The mirror is doing its job, I’m sure. But when I look up towards my face, I don’t see me. I make eye contact with someone else. And she’s not happy to see me.
Something in my eyes reminds me of a dagger. There’s a sharp glare she gives me that seems to attempt to cut through me. Even when I give the brightest smile I can, her eyes still pierce my soul. I’ve asked if that’s what I look like. My sister keeps telling me my eyes are soft and warm. But when I look into mine in a mirror, the stare she has gives me chills.
It’s not in the pictures. There’s one on my wall that we took just a little bit ago. In it, we’re all smiling and cheerful. I have Nebula in my lap, one hand on her head and another around my sister. We’re all looking directly into the camera, and I can clearly see a joyous sparkle in my eyes and a warm smile. I look exactly how I’d expect me to. It’s not like that in the mirror.
I keep looking towards myself in the mirror as if she’ll eventually change back into, well…me. That’s kinda how I see her, I suppose. She isn’t me. Or more accurately, she wasn’t the me that I was. It seemed like a me from another world or another time. And unlike me, she has a different attitude. She was angry with me. Disappointed. She stared at me with a disdain that I never saw from any other person. I don’t know what is wrong. Or, I do. I just don’t want to accept it.
Deep down, I know exactly what is happening. I know that. I just don’t want to. It’s a mental block I have that I have no want to break. Maybe it’s just because I’m scared. Maybe because I’m worried what might happen if I do. Maybe it’s because I know what I did. I just refused to accept it for a long, long time.
I know I’m the reason that our father isn’t here anymore.
That stormy night in an unfamiliar world, he pushed me away.
I don’t remember what he said. But I think he told me to run.
And I did. I ran away.
I was scared, I didn’t know what was happening.
He was…trying to do something.
And I abandoned him.
…
I didn’t see him ever again.
Those eyes, staring deep into my soul. The shadow of her hair hides her true intent. I know what she’s thinking.
“How could you be so cowardly?”